Genevieve's Place

There's only a week and a day left of classes. (two more accounting classes!!!!) I'm actually kind of excited about that. Kind of excited for not having to go outside and walk to school. Although, the semester is almost over and it hasn't been too bad yet. I guess the bad part will come in January and February. So I'm always excited for change. Today I met with Jen, and she asked me a tough question. She asked me what I was passionate about. I honestly didn't know what to say. Um, I expected that some people would say something like music so I said 'well I could live without music' because it really isn't that big for me. Making it anyway. Then I said...'I could probably live without friends' (yes I meant it) because right now, it feels like I am sometimes. And if I had to give them up, I could. Harsh, but I'm the one suffering, so don't take offense. There are many sides to every story. You only know one.

The fall that inevitably follows putting someone on a pedestal ends up hurting you way more than them. So don't do it.

Posted by Jen at 10:03 PM | Permalink | Comments

I think it looks like pants. Brown striped pants. And I fully acknowledge it looks a little off in Firefox. I'm writing Annie a letter. I'm excited, except I suck at writing letters. And I have to find a post office. crap. I'm tired and I have a headache, but I don't want to go to bed quite yet. The air in our basement is heavy and greasy with the smell of....peanut butter. Peanut butter cookies to be more specific. Usually a good thing...but, not now. Not at all. Sorry Rae.

Sometimes I feel like my life is like a wineglass filled with wine on the edge of a table hovering above a new white carpet. Ok, so I'm not so good with words at 1AM.....sorry.

Posted by Jen at 12:36 AM | Permalink | Comments

Hmm, first of all, I'd like to say that the concert last night was awesome. It really was. I didn't know what to expect, never really having been to a show like that before. Turns out we did have a little glitch with the whole names-on-the-list deal. Somehow, somewhere, the last two letters in my name transformed from 'll' to 'de.' Figure that one out. Also, I picked up a disposable camera at zellers before going to the concert, and once inside, we discovered that the flash didn't work. Argh. No pictures to show.

Now, about the veggietales-ness. I feel like I'm being selfish about something that I don't even own. Everytime I'm asked to do something that could potentially ruin what I could have, I agree to do it, but with a smile and a bad attitude. In my head I hear in true Veggie style, 'You're so selfish!' Funny, cuz I haven't seen that video in probably over a year, let alone thought about it. I need to give up what I want, to see what I could be missing. I have all the strawberries, but I don't want to share them. Well, it feels like, I could have all the strawberries, but they're being taken from me.

Give yourself a gold star.

Posted by Jen at 3:33 PM | Permalink | Comments

I'll be back with a real entry soon: (I promise this has significance)

"Hello, I am the Englishman who went up a hill and came down with all the bananas, leaving, of course, the inhabitants of the hill with no bananas and therefore bestowing the term 'selfish' upon my self."
"You're so selfish!"
"I know! But I've got all the bananas!"
"Well, aren't you going to eat them?"
"Why of course not! You can't eat bananas without strawberries!"
"Allo! I am da Schvede who vent up a hill and came down vit all da strawberries, leaving of course, de inhabitants of da hill vit no strawberries, and derefore bestowing da term 'selfish' upon myself."
"You're not Swedish."
"Shhhh!"
"You're so selfish!"
"I know, but I've got all da strawberries."
"Well, aren't you going to eat them?"
"Oh, no. You can't eat strawberries wit-out bananas."
"Pardon me, good Swede, could you spare a strawberry?"
"Ah.... no?"
"You're so selfish!"
"Es-cuse me, Mister Englishman, could I trouble you for a banana?"
"Ah.... no."
"You're so selfish! ...You guys are not so bright!"

Posted by Jen at 3:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

I had a nice post all written out, and then I decided I didn't like it. So, sucks to be you. Um, I'm tired and I haven't gotten any homework done in a long time and I need a minimum of C's in my classes. Not that I think that'll be hard or anything. I just don't want to be caught by surprise. I was going to write Annie a letter today. I will yet. You just see.

GOOD NIGHT.

Posted by Jen at 10:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Yeah! It snowed yesterday! I was very pumped...until I got in my car and started driving. I thought I'd be late for work, but..well since I work at a store that depends on it snowing, my boss would be too happy to notice. But, I wasn't. Late I mean.

The only thing more exciting than snow yesterday is.....WE'RE GOING TO THE WEAKERTHAN'S CONCERT!! *calms down*....yes. Friday night. I am excited. Yup. See you there.

Well, after not too much worry and deliberation, I know what I'm going to do this summer!! Get really for it........go to school! Yes, that's right! Don't laugh at me. I'm going to take some courses to, I don't know if I mean to say to get me ahead, but yeah pretty much. Also so my course load will be lighter. So that's what's exciting with me.

Posted by Jen at 2:09 PM | Permalink | Comments

Ok, quickly while my hair colour develops, I'm going to do this. (yes! I'm dying my hair! Next: nose piercing) I want to be like Holly ;)

I've lately become aware of how, since I'm not quite sure of who I am, I've been letting other people tell me who I am. I'm letting them control and manipulate me, even though they probably don't mean to. And I know they mean well. For sure. But, it's going to stop now. I need to be given a chance to succeed, even if I end up failing. Who cares if I do? Only I should. Don't ask me to tell you what you're doing is okay. Because I don't believe it is and I can't tell you otherwise. Argh, so.much. going through my head right now. I'll let you know how it goes...it'll be good, and it involves some confrontation...that I think it's about time I should be able to do. This weekend I've said and did somethings that really...I knew better. Friday really really really made me wish I had stayed in the city this weekend.

On happier news, I basically finished my essay! Just awaiting one more re-review from Rae and I'm good to go! Also, I really recommend checking out Laurell (warning: immediate, awesome music)...she's playing at Briercrest today, and tomorrow she'll be at Dreg's cafe and gallery. Oh, if only I wasn't working...

Well, see you soon.

Posted by Jen at 3:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

Me and Rae hop in the sun-chicken and go cruising for some late night McD's...the first two that advertise being open 24 hours were not in fact open at all. The last and final one, I think it was on or off of Osbourne, which didn't advertise openness, was the one we found open. BUT, it was past midnight, and was now fishy friday. So we had to pay full price for our 2 cheeseburgers meal. Oh well. Good times at confusion corner.

Sometimes I get really really angry, and all I can do is shout and swear, because the moment I have a chance to resolve my problem, I back off because I can't deal with confrontation. Yay me. But this time, I'm promising things are changing. They will change, I swear. Even if I have to do some...low level action. (read: be a bitch)

I was talking about this with Marcia today...what does it mean when you don't have butterflies when it comes to that certain someone? Like, I just don't feel it, although I know I think I like him. Right? Is this a grown-up crush?

Posted by Jen at 1:41 AM | Permalink | Comments

And the compy, just peed my carpet. I *heart* strong bad emails. I'm in the midst of slowly slowly slowly writing my essay, figuring out synonyms for the word 'belief',and I know it seems like that's all I talk about lately, but that's what's mostly on my mind...what will I think about when I'm done?? Hmmm, there are a few things...nevermind.

OOh, a funny story to counter Lori's bum kicking escapades. My left shoelace constantly comes undone, yes even if it is double knotted. Anyway, whenever it does come undone, I wait til I get to class to tie it back up, cuz I hate stopping on the paths walking and leaning over and showing everyone my bum. So, I get to history class today, and I'm pushing my way slowly to my seat, when I...step on my shoelace, and almost fall into the lap of this cute guy that I sometimes talk to. I was...embarassed...to say the least. The stupidest thing was that I actually envisioned that happening as I was walking to class. I just have all the luck.

I'm going home this weekend and I'm excited. I'm not quite sure why. Just, home, never ending coffee, usually quiet. I can drink, party and have boys over ;) ;) ...yeah...cuz i'm super known for doing that...

I feel like I'm losing touch with everyone...ok, soon I'll be done assignments and tests for awhile, then I'll get back in touch with life..yeah...sure I will.

Posted by Jen at 10:09 PM | Permalink | Comments

This morning I thought, hey why not go without coffee today? How stupid is that?!?! I almost feel asleep 10 times and probably did a couple of times in both my classes. Today took forever and ever to end, and now I think I'm about to fall into bed...without having run today. Crazy times. Soo tired I'm not even coherent and I can't control my words and thoughts. Nighters!

Update! We did go running and it was good. Now, without studying for my quiz tomorrow, I will go to bread.

Posted by Jen at 10:43 PM | Permalink | Comments

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so you can tell I've got Avril Lavigne in my head for the last little while. Some good stuff on her new CD. Guess what?! Eric's coming to see The Weakerthans with me!!! Could I be more pumped?? I don't think so.

I'm in the middle of actually trying to get my essay written. Lets just say it's....coming along. So I talked to my boss today and.......I guess I won't be going home much this Christmas. I don't really know how I expected I would but, it also doesn't bother me that much. I guess I'll cruise home after work on Christmas Eve and then be back for Boxing Day *rolls eyes*...I'm tired already.

Anyway, if it's any consolation, I'm a bit less worried today. Must be the few sentances I've written.

Posted by Jen at 11:56 PM | Permalink | Comments

Ok, so we've all seen banana phone right? Ok, so I send it to Rae over the weekend, and of course, she really found it hilarious. And then, just barely she said...'It sure is funny for an advertisement' I keeled over laughing...and she's like 'you mean it's not an ad for a cell phone?!'

Posted by Jen at 11:50 PM | Permalink | Comments

I feel like I'm perpetually falling behind. Homework, money, relationships, life in general. It's easy to say that in a couple of weeks, homework and for the most part money won't be a concern. But where will that leave the rest of my life? What about the relationships I've left hanging here lately? What about the ones I've just started in the midst of all this? I feel like I'm going crazy, and every once in a while I have a second or two of clarity that just says...you know what? you're going to be okay.

Also lately I've learned that I don't know what to do with boys when they don't outright reject me, or I them. Or when they don't inherently inevitably disappoint me. It's...it could be interesting.

Posted by Jen at 12:37 AM | Permalink | Comments

Isn't it funny how we can overly complicate things in our head? Like you completely make up a situation in your head based on reality and you live there? That's where I live. I guess my life isn't complicated enough. I just have to make it a little tougher for myself. Lately though, life's been a bit better than I imagine in my head. Thank goodness for that, or I'd be over the edge.

I'm just going crazy thinking about my essay. Yet I can't bring myself to sit down and WRITE IT. I hope I never have to take another written course. Anyway...it's not writing itself so, I better try to get started...laters.

Posted by Jen at 1:56 PM | Permalink | Comments

Here, I'm sitting alone. For the first time I'm alone here. It's okay I guess, all I've done is chore-y stuff, and eating. Today my sisters and mom came in to see me. We went shopping, and I bought stuff. If I still had a digital camera, I'd show you! I miss being with Rae, but I guess we are talking on msn right now so...

Tomorrow I want to see Bridget Jones' Diary...the second one. In theatres. Yup, the expensive ones for once. I would like to go with someone *hint hint* (this means you!) So, if still alone by tomorrow, I might just dress up and go alone :P..um, also...I don't really have anyone to go with me to the Weakerthan's concert...

Anyhoos, have a good night :)

Posted by Jen at 11:59 PM | Permalink | Comments

Speaking of shooting fish in a barrel...Me and Rae were talking about a current event amoung one of our friends and I made an observation of what was common knowledge. Hoping that she believed the same as i did, I said...'didn't you get the memo?' sarcastically of course. She gives me a blank look. I'm thinking...'ok...I shouldn't have said what I first said.' I said...'you know...a memorandum?'...blank look from Rae... 'there was a memo??'

Posted by Jen at 1:54 PM | Permalink | Comments

Kidding. Wednesday today was good. I had an extra hour to kill today, after math lab. So I headed down to UC to Timmy's and I picked up a cappuccino and croissant, and sat down to sort out my thoughts for the first time in a few days. Lets just say yesterday, even though I had no homework, felt like a much longer day than today. So I took myself down to a quiet-ish place to sit. I wrote about a page of thought. And then I tried to identify all of my 'issues'...it seems I've got a few. It also seems that my solutions to many of these problems was usually to dump them on someone else, that or, all my problems are someone else.

I called Joel last night. It was grood. I miss him. Now I really wish I were going home more for Christmas. I found out yesterday that the Weakerthans are coming to Winnipeg!!! I am so pumped...I only wish Annie could be here. I probably shouldn't email her and tell her. Maybe she doesn't like them anymore anyway.

Posted by Jen at 9:36 PM | Permalink | Comments

Every day at about 11, me and Rae go for a little run. It's the best time of day. Even when one of us doesn't feel like it, the other will. It's the perfect way to end the day. Today I wore my new jacket *beams*...yeah silly, but still, it's getting cold. While my boss was ringing up my shiny-new jacket, however, I asked if Sundays off might not be feasible. She said not every Sunday, and asked if I could start at one, and I think that's where we ended up at. Which is cool. Jump these hurdles one at a time. Next on the agenda, get confirmation from my Mom that it's okay that I won't be home much this Christmas. It's okay with me, but I need it to be okay with her. Um, so work was good today.

I've begun to realize I can't say, 'life, it's my way or the highway'. I just doesn't work that way. I just get angry and discouraged when things don't go as I want them to. I basically need to embrace everything that comes my way, or I'll never be happy. Which isn't to say that I'll be taking life sitting down. I still feel like I have a certain degree of control over how my life will end up.

Today in psychology, we were talking about perception, and you know the proverbial tree in the forest. Apparently it doesn't make a sound. Sound is created in your head, as an interpretation of sensation. So, if there is something, and no one ever sees, hears, thinks about, smells, etc...apparently it doesn't exist. If no one remembers you after you die...did you ever exist?

Posted by Jen at 11:54 PM | Permalink | Comments

Um, since it seems I've got an unusually large amount of visitors lately, I figured I'd better speak up. So what's going through my mind right now? Why did I get a job? You know why? Because I didn't trust God enough to provide for my needs, even though I had more than enough. So now, I haven't been home in weeks, which is super okay with me, but I'm thinking not super okay with the people there. For a while I was thinking there's no way I could leave my job, because I could potentially be screwing people, including my friends, over. Not such a good feeling. Now, going to Church of the Rock, I am thinking about asking for Sundays off. I don't know how well that'll go over. I'm so confused, because I have this job, which is making me suffer educationally. Which I probably worry way too much about anyway. The fact that I don't really need a job, and the fact that I won't have much of a Christmas kinda gets to me a little. So that's my mind lately. Plus, previously mentioned...schoolwork is seriously lacking here. Which is...not so good.

Posted by Jen at 2:18 PM | Permalink | Comments

That's my lesson for today, not looking back. It was pointed out to me yesterday, on the midnight run, that my blog description had stated that I was trying to do what was right for me, and now it says...well, whatever it currently says. Anyway, this was viewed as evidence of my trying to me more selfless. I hadn't given it a thought, but...when I did write that I was trying to do what was right for me, I was being selfish because the way I view my life is that I want to do what I want when I want, and not submit to anyone else's will. So, just to let you know I have control issues in my life. I only feel things will go the way I want them when I feel that's how I want them to go. Sound psycho yet? Anyway, I've got more to say on that...so maybe after work today. Speaking of..work is going alright I guess...I'm still not quite sure how this is all fitting together yet.

Important news though! Joining myself and Rae, Holly, Marcia, Kendra AND Lori are all new bloggers! It took about a year for my influence to rub off...but it finally worked! I'm thinking about starting a community blog that we can all post to, to each other. Sound good? I'll work it all out this weekend and see where we are. This is soo good you guys!

Posted by Jen at 2:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

Did I ever tell you I work in a place full of mirrors? Not so fun most days. Today was a good day though. I think I will really like my job. Every person who walks in is completely different, so things keep changing.

I'm beginning to realize how selfish I can really be. I often get nervous. There's this super anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, it feels like a cancer that's eating at me. I can barely breathe, I feel like I'm drowning. But, even deeper than that, I know that I only feel this way because somehow I'm valuing myself over others. It's the...strangest thing.

Posted by Jen at 10:56 PM | Permalink | Comments

So, how'd ya like the new look? I felt like going simpler for awhile. And for the having two comments. I like having my old haloscan comments and I don't feel like I can let go yet. So, blogger users, feel free to use the blog comments, everyone may use good old haloscan.

Posted by Jen at 9:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

Ok, I was in the middle of a whole really long entry when my computer reset on me. Yeah, I'm not impressed with computers. My freakin' DVD drive doesn't even play CDs. Just. Just. AERGH. I even participated in a psychological experiment asking me how I felt about computers, most of the questions were kind of ridiculous, so I'm guessing they didn't really have to do with computers. So now, Rae is talking to me all about fertilization. All for memory. Good on her. Let's just say I'm glad I'm not going into nursing anymore.

I had this big rant all out, and I think once I write it down, it's gone and I'm better. Strange therapy huh? I was saying mostly, how I'm scared of a lot of things, of getting bad marks, of failing badly at my job, at doing as crappily at my future job as I do on homework now. I don't like how I have no motivation. What is the means to this end? Rae's helping me write this. Anyway, I feel as if I have no motivation, no reason. I'm not depressed or crazy, I just feel...blah. I wish I could find one thing, this one thing I'd live and breathe for. I know what I'm supposed to say. I'm supposed to say God is my everything and the answer to all and my only hope, etc, etc. And I suppose if push really came to shove, that is my absolute truth. But, all I have is the answer. I know for a fact, from experience that just having the answer key does not provide you the way to the truth. I suppose only life can do that.

Posted by Jen at 8:04 PM | Permalink | Comments

I had a good day today. Today was a good day. For reasons, reasons I said. Reasons I can't say. Life seems, good. Interesting things happen when you just forget your self consciousness and just be yourself for once. Do it. Trust me, it's good. I got to switch shifts around at work. I was glad about that, because I didn't want to miss anything ;)...so...

I got my mark from my accounting midterm. That...wasn't so good. But, at least I was mentally prepared for it. And because I was, I'm okay with it. I'll be okay. I'm not doing very well when it comes to getting homework done...I'm not sure how I feel about that, and because I don't know, I don't care. I just wish you weren't judged by grades. Sheesh.

The night walk has become the best part of my day often. When it's not too cold, or too...I don't know, too much. But, yeah. I find myself less and less interesting each time I write this. So, I apologize.

Posted by Jen at 7:39 PM | Permalink | Comments