Genevieve's Place

oh my, I keep having all the songs from Love Actually in my head. Not too bad of a thing I suppose. I could have that circus song...do do doodle oodle do do do do, do do doodle oodle do do do do...do! do-do do_do do! do-do do_do doodle doodle doodle dooldle doodle doodle doo-dole! holy cow that's retarded. I can't believe i did that. Oh, and for the sake of yesterday, this is badgerbadgerbadger. And just for Phil, cuz it's his absolute favourite, and if you go to his house you have to go to his computer and put this at full volume. I give you bananaphone. But, my actual favourite is potterpotterpotter. Enough, enough with the links.

Anyway, for some reason I decided to invite some drama into my life, and I'm not exactly sure why, and I hope it's not sheer boredom. whyohwhyohwhy.

Posted by Jen at 12:20 AM | Permalink | Comments

You know, it'd be good, for if only a second, I knew who visited my blog regularily. I do see you, you know. I'm not being threatening, but those IP addresses from Winnipeg/areas other than Winkler, when I don't know pretty much anyone who lives in the city anymore, kinda makes me curious. So, if you could drop me a line at my email address, or add me to msn, or comment here, I'd just be glad to hear from you. Anyway, this has been a...perplexing weekend. For someone who doesn't get stressed out at anything, I'm sure on the verge.

I don't know, it's just if, there's anything I can do to stop Annie and Holly from leaving, I'll do it. I'll do anything. Right now, our lives all seem okay, and seem to match up alright, but I don't see that being the case in a year or two. We've all changed so much so far.

Posted by Jen at 12:39 AM | Permalink | Comments

I was honestly about two thoughts and three steps (approximately) from just quitting my job today. I wanted to say 'make Friday my last!' I was honestly on the edge of sanity for a while there. I considered all the place I could work (not too many options, you know), and that kept me happy for awhile. But about an hour or two later, I noticed, hey, I'm okay now. I just don't know why, but I was okay.

Then I amused myself with the idea that I have a kind of happiness equilibrium. If you know anything about economics, it's like the price level equilibrium of an economy. Yeah, doesn't make a whole lot of sense if you don't know economics. But I returned to the same level of happiness prior to hating my job. The process would be like sanity returning to me. The equilibrium occurs where the...demand for happiness intersect the....supply of it...hmm, I need to come up with better analogies for short run aggregate demand and supply. Not that that's interesting to anyone but me...

Posted by Jen at 12:30 AM | Permalink | Comments

I have to leave for work in t-minus 15 minutes and there's nothing I would rather not do. I think I'm such a wuss. Yesterday was really hard, and I slept really long today, had to, couldn't get out of bed, and I hurt a lot. And I don't want to go back. I was so mad at being there yesterday that I could have screamed or cried but I did neither. I just kept working. I don't know why. Ah, responsibility. Who wants it? I sit here cleaning my fingernails when I figure, why bother, they'll just get disgusting again in a couple of minutes. So anyone up for a spur of the moment road trip, destination: away?

Posted by Jen at 2:45 PM | Permalink | Comments

I just watched Garden State with Annie and Marcia. It was, interesting, anyway. Well, most of you have probably seen it, but there was this quote, man, it was good.

Andrew: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your shit that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

And that's....how I feel about home, how I've felt since I left last spring. Except, not so much with the missing thing, I rarely, if ever, miss things. I don't know if it's my tends-to-be-short attention span or exactly what, but chances are I'm not missing things. I find the whole missing people/things to be selfish, for myself at least. Why wish someone with me, when they could be out doing what they're supposed to be doing, and I'd be holding them back?

Posted by Jen at 1:06 AM | Permalink | Comments

As geeky as this is going to come out, I just spent some time sorting through old emails. Crazy memories were brought up. I have a folder with emails from people that honestly made my day, or fixed my day when they sent it. I also just deleted complete folders, in a desparate hope that somehow if the emails never existed, what happened never did. Like the stupid things I did never happened. But, not, of course, before I read them and went through every painful memory in my head. There were some good memories relived, so it wasn't all bad. Remember Max? He used to call me honey. Miss him being here like crazy, and since going to Germany is unlikely for me, probably will never see him again. There are some emails with...interesting memories that I can't bring myself to delete though. Like, Ch-- for instance...but lets not go there. Also lots of memories of last summer.

They just happen to be mostly triggered by the fact that I had the chance to go up north again. I let the oppurtunity slip by, but not without spending the whole day thinking about it. It was nice because I was having a horrible day, and the whole time I was thinking: This could be my last day if I wanted! But of course, no, I'm staying and all that. It was just nice to think about. Getting away for another whole summer. Nice though it'd be, I just want to be here for now. Not that there's a whole lot keeping me here, I just have to be here, you know?

Posted by Jen at 9:09 PM | Permalink | Comments

So many good intentions to update, so few (none) fulfilled. Until now. Not that I have a whole lot to say, perhaps to mention the weather. It is nice. Is this summer? It's supposed to rain soon though. Not so nice for the tanning I have planned. Or the tan I plan to be. Kinda hard though even when you're at work all day. I was outside half an hour today, at 3:30, and I got reddish in the face. Crazy.

I mean, I don't like working evenings, but working days involves going to bed now. night.

Posted by Jen at 10:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

workworkwork. I'm so tired of work. I dislike working evenings very strongly. If I work days I can at least have evenings. So this week will be a complete waste. Work also leaves me with a lot of time to think. A lot. Like, I stand there, and of course I'm doing whatever I'm doing, but it doesn't actually require much thought, so I'm standing there, thinking for eight hours. Crazy what gets into your head after a while. I've basically rehashed everything that's happened to me about a billion times. And believe me, it doesn't feel good when all you can think about are the stupid mistakes you've made. Kinda like slow torture. It's going to be a long summer. Feel free to bring me back to reality.

Almost all of my marks are up, finally. And the university charged my credit card for the application fee to asper, so I guess it's only a matter of time before I find out if I get in.

Posted by Jen at 12:57 PM | Permalink | Comments

Why bother being awake anymore? I mean, there's nothing I can do while I'm awake that I can't dream about while I'm sleeping. I feel so sleep deprived lately, even though I'm really not. Work is hard. I know that in a week or two it'll get super much better, but right now I'm tired and it hurts. Tomorrow, I'll be the only person in my whole department working. The only person. Tomorrow is a 'holiday' hah. Yeah w00t it's Acension Day and all that, definetly worth celebrating, but the mennos I work with see an excuse not to work. Ah, well, I'll be getting a bit of overtime tomorrow too. All by myself, lonesome me. It'll be good cuz I'll just be washing parts instead of the stuff I've been doing...not that anyone cares what I do...

Posted by Jen at 7:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

Today, it snowed, it snowed and it is staying. So far. I'm, not so thrilled. Oh well, there were no outdoor activities planned by me, so really I shouldn't care. Good thing I didn't try to go to the city today. Not that I would have had anyone to take with me. I just finished watching Spanglish again, with my little sisters, and with my mom walking back and forth, trying to get me to sort out all of my stuff. My room, well, the room I sleep in, is basically just boxes.

When I first moved home, I was motivated to unpack it all, and get rid of all the crap so I had a livable space to be in. It never really happened. It's not that I'm lazy, which I can be when it comes to organizing (only those who can attest to this (Rae) can comment, otherwise, shut it), and it's not like the feat was overwhelming. It isn't that much stuff. I think it occured to me yesterday that, I don't want to be home here, I don't want it to feel home-like, or maybe I don't want to try because I know it won't. That begs the question, where do I want to be?....I don't know.

So anyway, I've been going through all of this stuff, finding very little that I even want to keep in boxes, so that in a couple years I'll go through it again, and throw out the same stuff today that I am keeping. The stuff that I am keeping includes gems such as my brownies and girl guides sashes with badges, a portfolio I made for English class in Senior 2 (thanks Ms. Steinke!), and a bunch of tea towels that my Grandma gives us when we turn 16.

Cherise said yesterday that she was doing the same thing, going through all her stuff, and she found her old diaries. I'm sure mine are all long thrown out, and I'm also sure there was nothing worth reading and reflecting back on. I'm one without long term dreams, and that actually kinda sucks. I almost feel obligated now to have some offlandish thing to be aiming for (and, um, no, nothing like being a backup dancer).

Posted by Jen at 3:21 PM | Permalink | Comments