gently whispered hope
I've avoided this long enough I think. I just never seem to think that what I want to say is intelligent or worth saying. I'm at home. I'm tired. I've been having one of those 'who-I-am-hates-who-I've-been' moments a lot lately. I've been mean, I've been bitter. I've let people think I'm someone that I'm not. And, I don't have any grand plans for changing.
School makes me crazy. I have 8:30 classes, which I've never had before. So it seems as if I've a lot more free time than other semesters. I've been trying to use it well, what with the gym and the naps. But my classes are kind of on the dull side, with the required readings being almost useless and worthy of naps themselves. So, I feel like I never study, which makes me feel lazy, and feeling lazy makes me feel like I'm getting behind, which I'm not. The only thing keeping me sane, and I know this sounds lame, is learning. Not only my classes. A few weeks ago I felt like I would die from...well, almost complete idleness, so I picked up my roommates guitar and just, well, did what I could and went from there. I kinda felt a little more alive. Of course I'm not good at all, and my motivation has suffered major set-backs because of discouragement, mine and unintentionally others'.
I came home today, and I just get unbearably angry inside. I usually get angry at ignorance, and my inability to stop it, because I'm just me, I'm just young, and that's that. Sometimes I feel like I'm coming to the backwoods when I come home. I know there's so much that I don't know. I'd never claim to know much. I do know that I value my own opinions. Let's leave it at that unfinished thought.
Music is my therapy. Who could argue with that? Without it, I'm sure by 25 that I'd be on three different flavours of anti-depressants. There, I said it, music is my anti drug. Or rather, it is my drug. Sometimes, new music. Spring was Imogen Heap. During the summer it was Copeland. Kinda late to that party. Oh, and definitely Patty Griffin. Little while ago, the Wreckers and Snow Patrol. Lately it's been music from Grey's Anatomy. This is the music that calms me: Joe Purdy (esp. I Love the Rain the Most), Foy Vance, Unlike Me by Kate Havenvik, and a bunch of other ones that I don't have here/can't remember because I'm not at my computer. I don't care if what I listen to is cool or not. Usually, not. It's how it makes me feel.
School makes me crazy. I have 8:30 classes, which I've never had before. So it seems as if I've a lot more free time than other semesters. I've been trying to use it well, what with the gym and the naps. But my classes are kind of on the dull side, with the required readings being almost useless and worthy of naps themselves. So, I feel like I never study, which makes me feel lazy, and feeling lazy makes me feel like I'm getting behind, which I'm not. The only thing keeping me sane, and I know this sounds lame, is learning. Not only my classes. A few weeks ago I felt like I would die from...well, almost complete idleness, so I picked up my roommates guitar and just, well, did what I could and went from there. I kinda felt a little more alive. Of course I'm not good at all, and my motivation has suffered major set-backs because of discouragement, mine and unintentionally others'.
I came home today, and I just get unbearably angry inside. I usually get angry at ignorance, and my inability to stop it, because I'm just me, I'm just young, and that's that. Sometimes I feel like I'm coming to the backwoods when I come home. I know there's so much that I don't know. I'd never claim to know much. I do know that I value my own opinions. Let's leave it at that unfinished thought.
Music is my therapy. Who could argue with that? Without it, I'm sure by 25 that I'd be on three different flavours of anti-depressants. There, I said it, music is my anti drug. Or rather, it is my drug. Sometimes, new music. Spring was Imogen Heap. During the summer it was Copeland. Kinda late to that party. Oh, and definitely Patty Griffin. Little while ago, the Wreckers and Snow Patrol. Lately it's been music from Grey's Anatomy. This is the music that calms me: Joe Purdy (esp. I Love the Rain the Most), Foy Vance, Unlike Me by Kate Havenvik, and a bunch of other ones that I don't have here/can't remember because I'm not at my computer. I don't care if what I listen to is cool or not. Usually, not. It's how it makes me feel.
